Erectile dysfunction; Rabbitte; cancer; pylons; EirGrid; Shatter; Alan Shatter;

My life in print

life and times

Free Download by clicking here: The Life and Times of Paddy Pylon

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Cheers!

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Busted

behind bars

You’ve not heard from me for a few months because the law finally caught up with me. To be sure twas a good run but tis grand to be back with Peig and Saoirse again after sleeping in barns and back seats, one step ahead of the shades. I’m out on bail which Peig organised with her boss at work – gas man.

My brief advised me against putting up any more posts as it might banjax my case. That was before the prosecutor decided to make it non-indictable which means it will only be heard by a judge, no jury. That’s cos a jury would’ve set me free. The upside is that we all know a judge couldn’t be arsed to read  a blog so I reckon I’m grand. Anyways, I was just told that I have been nominated for a Blog of the Year award by one of my 35000 readers, and I can’t keep me gob shut after that, can I?

Cos of a complaint from the now ex-Ministers (with a push from EirGrid and the wind industry), I was charged under the Scurrilous Misdeeds Against the State Act of 1892. My lawyer says that I am allowed to put a copy of the charge sheet on my blog as apparently it is a public document. Fair enough, here goes, ‘to wit’:

.

Mullingar Circuit Criminal Court
THE PEOPLE at the suit of the Director of Public Prosecutions
v
Padraig C. Pylon

Bill No. 792 / 2014
Charge Preferred to the Court

————————————————————————————————————————–
Statement of Offence

————————————————————————————————————————–

Count No.1:
The undermining of public confidence in the Government in contravention of Section 2 of the Scurrilous Misdeeds Against the State Act of 1892.

Particulars of Sample Offence:
That on 31/01/2014; 04/02/2014; 11/02/2014; 11/03/2014; and 23/03/2014; the Defendant did undermine the system of governance in this country by exposing the highly questionable activities, alternatively the bone-headed incompetence, of various Ministers of State, both current and previous.

.

Count No.2:

The undermining of foreign investment in contravention of Section 3 of the Scurrilous Misdeeds Against the State Act of 1892.

Particulars of Offence:
That on 11 February 2014 the Defendant did expose and detail the nefarious activities of government ministers and the semi-State organisation known as EirGrid, alleging misuse of funds and wastage of public monies, causing potential investors to invest in Zimbabwe, Gaza and Colombia, these being considered of better potential than Ireland as a result of the Defendant’s relentless exposure of the bribery and corruption occurring in the Republic.

.

Count No.3:
The undermining of public confidence in the Department of Communication, Energy and Natural Resources in contravention of Section 3 of the Scurrilous Misdeeds Against the State Act of 1892.

Particulars of Sample Offence:
That on 31/01/2014; 04/02/2014; 11/02/2014; 11/03/2014; and 23/03/2014; the Defendant did undermine the system of public administration in this country by conclusively showing that the abovementioned Department did, with malice aforethought, fail, neglect and undermine the provisions of the Aarhus Treaty by embarking on the Grid 25 Project without consulting, properly or at all, the citizens of Ireland, despite the ominous and adverse health, financial, environmental and social consequences associated with the aforementioned Project .

.

Count No.4:
The undermining of the careers of specific politicians in contravention of Section 4 of the Scurrilous Misdeeds Against the State Act of 1892.

Particulars of Sample Offence:
That on 31/01/2014; 04/02/2014; 11/02/2014; 11/03/2014; and 23/03/2014; the Defendant did undermine the careers of various politicians by exposing them as double-dealing, incompetent, or plain bent; thereby directly or indirectly causing those politicians to lose their Cabinet seats and a shit load of money that goes with it.

**************

I’ll be making my first appearance in the District Court next Friday, so clutch your bollocks when you wish me luck.

Reflections on Erections

I was laughin at this Canadian video on the pylons (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2JoYdo1kk8) which was on the CAP FB page, when your wan said the words that would send a shiver down a polar bear’s spine: ‘pylons cause erectile dysfunction’.

Kids might be readin dis, so witout goin into da small print, but since The Pylon came into me life, let’s just say when the Party Whip says in me head, “Let’s all be Upstanding for the Honourable Member Pylon”, I’m left in Alan Shatters, with a landslide Vote of No Confidence. Peig is very understanding, and holds me tight, but I know that she pretends to fall asleep.

I’m a blocklayer from Mullingar, how could this be happening to me, the Valentino of Viewmount?

And now watching this video, it all made sense – The Pylon would not be satisfied until it was the only thing left standing.

Is this what the Grid25 Project is really about with its male breast cancer and its limpdickness – to render the men of Ireland impotent? Did this explain why Pat Rabbitte was sounding more like me mammy every day, because he was becoming a mammy, along with the rest of us poor yokes?

I run outside, whipping out the jolly roger, not that it even fluttered in the breeze, and piss on The Pylon. Piss with all me might, spreading the feet wide so my patetick stream dont land on me shoes. “You won’t get me, yer giant metal hard-on, I’ll be baytin you, we’ll see who dysfunctions who, ye …, ye …, ye cockcrusher”.

A warm tongue slides across me neck, gently licking me ear. I freeze. The Pylon was seducing me, calling me over to The Dark Side. I felt meself letting go, strains of Michael Buble filled the air, I feel me mortified mickey starting to …Wha? The music stopped as the needle screeches over the vinyl. Wha? How can a pylon …?

T’was the auld horse – I be screamin at the top of me voice, and the aul dear did come up behind me and tried to comfort me. I hang onto her neck until me body stops shakin.

Ah sure, tis hard sometimes.